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The Joke Thread


eaglesfan036

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Tell any jokes you know, whether they are funny or horrible.

 

Did you hear about the two tv antenneas that got married? I heard the reception was great.

Bacteria walks into a bar. The bartender says we don't serve your kind here. Bacteria says, "But I work here, I am staph!"

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.

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A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop

 

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? "Dam".

 

2 fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says: "You drive. I'll man the guns."

 

2 cupcakes are in an oven. One turns to the other and says "Boy, it sure is hot in here." The other one screams and yells "OMG A TALKING MUFFIN!"

 

What do you call epileptic lettuce? Seizure salad.

 

A couple are watching a television show about mixed emotions. The guy turns to the girl and smugly says "Honey, I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time." The girl chuckles and says "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."

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What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? 

Your job still sucks.

 

What's 6 inches longer, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?

a $100 bill.

 

If a Dove is the "bird of peace", what is the  "bird of true love?

The Swallow.

 

What's the difference between a catholic priest and a zit?

A zit waits until you're a teenager before it cums on your face.

 

How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck?

If you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

 

What do McDonald's and priests have in common?

They both stick their meat inside 10 year old buns.

 

Holy shit that last priest one. :ph34r::))  

 

 

 

Edited by Banackock
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An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car. The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.

 

 

 

 

Female spiders eat the male spiders after mating – they know collecting life insurance is easier than child support.

 

 

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