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Writing Ranks: Round 1 Voting

probably not noah

By probably not noah
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Writing Ranks Round 1  

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probably not noah

probably not noah 346

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Vote for as many articles as you feel deserve to advance. Keep in mind writing ability, content, and grammar. Top eight will advance. 

 

Voting ends Sunday, December 14th. 

 

Article #1:

The World Cup has finished and the focus is rightly pointed on two well-known pussies who decided to use the most patriotic games of their career to grow a pair of testicles. Heading into the World Cup, both Tom Slaughter and Don Draper had failed to rack up any meaningful PIM numbers in their VHL careers, however they will return to their team ready to continue the fine vein of form they found at the World Cup.

Slaughter, who has only managed an abysmal eleven penalty minutes in four VHL seasons, managed to beat that in just one game with the USA as, during an incredibly dull game with Canada, he decided to break the monotony by lowering his pants and taking a shit on the ice, earning him not only a standing ovation from both sets of supporters, but 15 PIMs and an ejection from the game.

Although Draper also used the World Cup to prove the PIM ability that many felt he lacked, the manner of which he decided to go about it was unsurprisingly lame. Facing the Mercenaries, Draper decided to use the opportunity of facing a weaker opponent to pick a fight with Jaime Hill, who is a woman. Whether Draper has brought shame to the art of PIMing with this cowardly act will be up for debate for centuries to come, but at the very least he’s finally proven that he is able to find his way out of the game.

 

Article #2:

Is this a hockey team or an MMA promotional squad? No one can really be sure, and no one is about to ask them to find out. The inaugural season of the Stockholm Vikings reads like something out of a Rocky movie. Edwin Encarnacion, the terrible-turned-half-decent defenseman who just recently had been suiting up for the Calgary Wranglers, left in free agency to become the Vikings’ first free agent signing in their short history. Hindsight makes this signing look spot on, as Jack Kowalski, a recent draftee, looks to file in alongside Encarnacion and form a Bash Brothers type defensive pairing. This is the type of pairing that no opposing forwards really want to go out against, lest they incur a season-ending injury. 



As though Encarnacion and Kowalski weren’t enough, the Vikings just traded for Sam Keeler, until recently of the New York Americans. Keeler was the Americans’ resident goon, not particularly skilled at hockey but skilled at scaring and humbling the opposition with physical superiority. The Vikings already had one of these as a carryover from the Vasteras days, that being Keeler’s draft day rival, Tyrone Williams. Keeler and Williams were not fond of each other at the time, but throughout the season the Vikings’ staff will look to heal the animosity between the two, or at least channel it against the opposition.

Article #3:

 

What is a writer’s choice?  Was is Jardy’s choice to write about the assassination of David Knight?  Was it the choice of Victor to complete the VHL 40 for 40 series?  Was it Zimmer’s choice to make some of the most god-awfully written magazine articles that have ever been created? NO!

 

When you join the VHL, you take on a persona.  This persona, whether aggressive, bubbly, funny or Meg, determines what type of articles you will write for the remainder of your time in the VHL.  Everyone has approximately a two-month window to establish how they wish to be represented, and after that, they can do nothing expect follow their newly determined destiny.  It is this destiny that decides whether or not a player will prevail against adversity and become a hall of fame player, or if they will be a simple bust that is retired after four seasons.  It is this destiny that determines whether you will make a weekly appearance in the thunderdome, or if you will make a weekly appearance as the positive shoutout on the Rift Pajodcast.  It is this destiny that has already decided your writer’s choice.

 

Boobs, Tits, Ass.

 

Article #4:

 

Capping off a strong rookie season, Jerrick Poole was selected as an All-Star defenseman for the North American Conference.  This year, Poole excelled in just about every facet of the game.  He was the league's eleventh highest scoring defenseman and sixth highest scoring rookie with a total of 60 points.  But his most important contribution to the Toronto Legion was his defensive play.  His 215 shots blocked were second best in the VHL while his 261 hits ranked him among the top twenty and second best on the Legion.  Despite his strong season, the Toronto Legion have their work cut out for them in order to improve in Season 41 after finishing with just a 23-43-6 record, although it will be aided by an infusion of Season 40 draftees including Sakic Trophy winner Sachimo Zoidberg.

 

One of the most important areas where Jerrick Poole absolutely has to improve is his discipline.  Regardless of the reasoning, whether it is inexperience or the fact that he very rarely was helped out by his defensive partners, 198 penalty minutes are inexcusable.  While having a season under his belt should help, limiting penalties is something he should and will be watching out for in the coming season.  Overall, it will be exciting to watch Poole continue to make strides in his game next season and with an All-Star selection and a World Cup win added to his resume this off-season, the sky is truly the limit for the young defenseman.

 

Article #5:

 

Horrific Scene Discovered by Quebec Law Enforcement

 

At 2:04 am on the morning of Sunday, December 7th, the Quebec Provincial Police were called out to a house in Saint-Roch after reports came in about a strong odour in the area.  Neighbours on either side of a quaint older home had made two separate phone calls late Saturday night, with law enforcement arriving a couple hours later.

 

After knocking several times the police made the decision to forcibly enter the home after becoming very concerned that the smell resembled rotting human flesh. Sergeant Leblanc was one of the first on the scene and shared his account with the Fan590 News team,

 

"At first everything, aside from the horrible smell, appeared normal.  It was not until we headed down into the basement of the residence did we come across the crime scene.  There were parts of bodies everywhere and a metallic table that was covered in a bloodied sheet.  It was at that point that we called in the Homicide team and they took it from there. There was so much blood ... and ..."  At that point Sergeant Leblanc ended his interview with us.

 

The Fan590 News team, after further research, was told that the body parts belonged to ex-VHL members Scotty Campbell, Leeroy Jenkins, and Sterling Labatte.  Specific parts were removed from each of the bodies and one can only speculate on why exactly these three were targetted, and for what purpose.  More on the story as we get further information.

 

Article #6:

 

Azhishchenkov Inadvertently Champions League Safety

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NEW YORK - Hockey can be a rather violent sport and the Victory Hockey League is no exception. Even with some players being hit well over 200 times a season, no player has ever missed a game due to injury. Although this may appear to show the VHL as a leading advocate for player safety, it turns out that it could very well be the opposite. It appears that the health of the players may not be as closely monitored as believed after Quebec City Meute center Konstantin Jaroslav Azhishchenkov demonstrated what could be symptoms of a traumatic brain injury.

 

In what initially seemed like a sarcastic jab at the misfortune of Vasteras, it became horrifically clear that Azhishchenkov had no prior knowledge of the franchise's move to Stockholm. Although he is not a superstar or widely recognized player, it is still a troubling sign that symptoms such as these would go unchecked by the VHL. It also raises the horrifying question of how many players have slipped through the cracks in the 40 seasons of the VHL, for it is unlikely Azhishchenkov is the first to display symptoms of a TBI.

 

As of the time of print, VHL administration has yet to make an official statement outside of a meme featuring Slowpoke.

 

Article #7:

Scandalnavia?

 

The VHL World Cup commenced just this past Monday and already rumours of impropriety and bigotry are buzzing around the league more intensely than the Great War of 1721 between the Rabid Hummingbirds and Enraged Bees for control over Nectar Land.

 

Reports have peppered the press since the early hours of the morning regarding the Scandinavian Team, put together by Frank, an esteemed member of the VHL community. Riga defensive pairing Fjorsstrom and Sixten were seen in Team Western Europe's arena at roughly 2am last night, fiddling around with the on-ice temperature.

 

One witness (who, for the sake of his personal safety, will remain anonymous) identified the players to the police offering this statement:

 

"They were pretty easy to  recognize - stuck out like a blue dick on a pig, they did. At first I thought they were just checking the ice conditions, but when they went into the boiler room, a thought struck me; struck me so hard it hurt, like accidentally stapling your tongue to a wall... Anway, I realized that the VHL has staff to do these maintenance kind of things so I started smashing on the boards to make noise. Startled, they looked up and gave each other nervous looks. To be honest, they looked about as happy as a couple of penguins in a microwave. They ran out. Good thing I was there, otherwise the ice would have melted and Team Western Europe could not have practiced in the morning"

 

It would seem imminent that tensions between these two teams will be running high.

 

Article #8:

New Boys Club

When you are in a league with a history as rich as the Victory Hockey League, there will always be differences between members. Old members might have an attitude and feel more deserving of things (and therefore like to push through their opinion), while newer member might feel ignored or powerless when looking upon a wall that seems impossible to crack.

 

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In order to fight the establishment a new boys club was created. The name relates to the name the Board of Governers received recently (“The Old Boys Club”) despite them recently having added players like Romanes and Jaladolar who both are still considered new members.

 

However since the creation of this New Boys Club rumors are being spread that their club has no right of existence. Why you may ask? It’s not because the old guys don’t want to give them their piece of pleasure, it’s not because certain teams were being excluded to their comments on a podcast series and it’s not because they think their opinions are being ignored. It’s a far more important fact.

 

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In order to have a legitimate club, you need to have a clubhouse. When asking Jaime Hill about it she mentioned that a clubhouse was nonexistent.  This fact means the creation of their new boys club is void. It was a great plan, but without a clubhouse, the club will be deemed nonexistent.

 

Article #9

New York Guns For Victory Cup Record

 

The New York Americans have had a run of nearly unprecedented success since Season 14 when they won their first Continental Cup. No team in the history of the VHL has captured four straight Victory Cups, but Season 41 may just be the year this happens. The Americans have reloaded after losing surefire first ballot Hall of Famer Odin Tordahl to forced retirement. The beloved forward was a fixture of New York's success over the past four seasons as he was clearly the most dominant player in the league over that span. The Americans quickly acted to pick up the best overall player o nthe trade market this off-season, acquiring defenseman Matt Bentley from the Quebec City Meute. The move is a notable switch toward a more defensive style of play for the Americans as they call up two extremely impressive rookies in Jody Three Moons and Kristopher Klose. Time will tell if this generation of Americans will stand out as one of the VHL's most successful dynasties.

 

 

Article #10

A deep purple sunset cloaks itself over Davos, Switzerland. The alps are silhouetted against the sky, creating a perfect tranquility contrasted by the chaotic celebration below. The streets of Davos are in ecstasy with the knowledge that the once great Dynamo franchise will return from the grave. Fallen into a dark rebuild, the Swiss hockey fans have been yearning for this day. Hope is restored once more. The Davos Dynamo have drafted Gifford Shock. 
 
With the third overall pick in the S41 VHL Entry Draft, the Dynamo took the prodigal son, whose name has been whispered amongst VHL circles for decades. It marked the beginning of a draft that would see them build their entire future core. While the night may still be dark, and shadows will fall upon Davos for several more seasons, the future is clearly in place. A crew of young talent has been assembled, and the city is thirsty for victory once more. Beware VHL, for Davos is coming. 
 
What is dead may never die. 

 

 

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diamond_ace

diamond_ace 3,106

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I gotta say, it feels like everyone tried too hard.

To be fair, everything I write feels like I tried too hard, even when (as in this case) I don't try much at all. Just needed to be safely through, and I think I've done that.

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